The Tom & Lorenzo Archives: 2006 -2011

Ice Princesses: The Costumes, Part 2: The Women

We're looking through the eyes of love, bitches.

We might as well admit this right now: it's way more fun to make fun of the boys. For the most part, their costumes aren't any more cracktastic than the girls', but with the boys you have the extra added delicious flavor of guys twirling around in sparkly costumes, all while desperately afraid to have their masculinity questioned. It's an automatic recipe for hilarity.

With the girls, well, it's all basically ugly little dresses. Still fun, just not as much fun. Now the ice-dancing costumes, THAT'S gonna be a blast.

Short Program


Carolina Kostner of Italy

Oh, GROSS. We can guarantee if we'd gone to high school with this girl we would have hated her. You just know she dots the i in her name with a smiley face.



Cynthia Phaneuf of Canada

Ice Slut.


Elena Glebova of Estonia

GROSS, Part Two. Excessive tweeness makes us bitchy.

Oh, who are we kidding? EVERYTHING makes us bitchy!



Isabelle Pieman of Belgium

All the props in the world for wearing pants. A risky move, because such a display in the world of rigid gender roles that is competitive ice skating is akin to skating out with a big sign on your back that reads "I'M A LESBIAN."

And honey? Rethink the white skates with the black pants.


Jenna McCorkell of Great Britain

We have waited our entire lives to say this sentence:

"Honey, the stripper gloves in your ice-skating costume give you linebacker shoulders."



Kiira Korpi of Finland

This is actually quite pretty.


Kim Yu Na of South Korea

This would make a cute little cocktail dress, provided she wears it without putting her panty hose over her shoes. Off the ice, people look at you funny when you do that.


Ksenia Makarova of Russia

Feh. It's not bad, really. It's just ... pink and purple? That's the best you can do? You look like a 5 year old girl's bedroom (i.e., the bedroom that little gay boys wanted when they were 5, and in some cases we know, 35).



Mao Asada of Japan

We truly live in a multicultural world when Japanese competitors can wear costumes every bit as ugly as their Russian sisters'.


Miki Ando of Japan

What's with the big sparkly cross? Now we wish we'd watched the Olympics. Was it a skating salute to Christ or a skating salute to nuns? Help us out here.


Rachael Flatt of the United States

It's nice to see she's enjoying herself but frankly anyone wearing that outfit in public (let alone in front of millions) should only draw attention to herself if she's really, really drunk or blind, because those are the only two instances anyone would forgive that outfit.


Sarah Hecken of Germany

We applaud her brilliant reconfiguring of an ugly old bridesmaid dress. See? You really CAN take up the hem and wear it again!


Sarah Meier of Switzerland

"SOMEBODY HELP ME! MY TITS ARE ON FIRE!"


Free Skating



Alena Leonova of Russia

"POW!" We adore the Liza-style moves, but that veiny mess of a dress is still fugly, honey.


Anastasia Gimazetdinova of Uzbekistan

You can tell she's still pissed about that shredder accident.


Carolina Kostner of Italy

Why do the women's costumes all do weird things around the boobs? Why can't the men's costumes do the same thing with the ass area? That would be an instance where we could get behind illusion netting.


Cynthia Phaneuf of Canada

Apparently Canada is where Cher's old costumes go to die. Who knew?


Elena Glebova of Estonia

Honey, no one wants to see your latest MRI results.



Kiira Korpi of Finland

"Okay, I'll do my routine, but then I have to get right back to the office to finish filing those reports."



Ksenia Makarova of Russia

See? Weird boobs. What's that all about?


Miki Ando of Japan

It's a little-known fact that the ancient Egyptians invented illusion netting.

They did not, however, perfect the nipple shield.


Sarah Hecken of Germany

Okay, it looks a little like a vinyl tablecloth we saw in Target yesterday and we will never, ever be fans of illusion netting, but this has a bit of style to it.


Sarah Meier of Switzerland


Oh geez, honey. If you're gonna go that route, why not have a big cake wheeled out on to the ice so you can pop out of it?






BALMAIN for women