The Tom & Lorenzo Archives: 2006 -2011

Shear Genius S3E4: Hearts and Flowers

That is one pissed off woodland fairy.

"StEYEluss, ez yOO cen SEE, I am sorrAOWnned by flAOWurrrs!"

Darlings, the challenges are inventive, the cast is talented and replete with freaks and attention whores, but the key ingredient of a good host and judging panel are sadly lacking. Actually, lacking doesn't quite cover it. They're RUINING this show. Which is a damn shame because the concept still has life in it.

You know who would be a great hostess for this show? JOAN COLLINS. Come on! She's been a hair diva her whole career and besides, the old gal knows her camp and could deliver the appropriate bitchy commentary. She'd be PERFECT, amirite? Let's start a Facebook group.

He was actually really sweet and made good critiques. He should be a judge on the show.

We're so desperate to have the cast changed on this trainwreck that we've taken to pointing out decent-looking strangers on the street, wild-eyed and shrieking, "LOOK! SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE CAN TALK ABOUT HAIR! SHE SHOULD HOST SHEAR GENIUS!!! Please, God, why can't she host Shear Genius?" And then we cry.

Okay, so... flower challenge. We dig it. The results, though, were mostly uninspired.


Burning Man won the challenge with this "indigenous people"-inspired mudpack 'do. We definitely agree with the judges. It was unique and beautiful. What cracks us up is how he uses "indigenous people" to describe vast ranges of cultures, as if they were all the same. We're pretty sure he pissed off his model when he implied that because she's Hawaiian, she should be used to putting mud in her hair. He's hilariously un-self-aware, but he means well, he's kind of cute, and as this week showed, he has some talent.


This looks like one of those old rubber bathing caps from the '60s. Except her head exploded through the back.


We think a lot of this look was helped by the fact that her model had striking eyes and those eyes just happened to match the flower perfectly. It has a beauty to it, but as Matthew bitchily pointed out, it looked like it took ten minutes.

Fug. Put a bowl of water on her head with a floating candle in it and she's a centerpiece.

The judges slammed Sling Blade kinda hard for the color matching but we didn't agree. We liked the idea, the problem was the hairstyle. It's the hair equivalent of "Asian Chicken Salad." It's "Asian-y" in some vague manner that borders on being ... we won't say offensive, but silly certainly comes to mind.

Cute. Maybe a bit too much height, but we liked the general idea.

Ego lost the challenge with this bit of fug. She looks like a mental patient.

Not only is she a mental patient, but all the other mental patients on her floor are scared of her.

Okay, shortcut challenge down. Next stop?


If only. A true Bollywood challenge is a must, now that they dangled the far lamer Indian wedding challenge.

Actually, that's not fair. The wedding challenge was pretty cool and putting an ethnic twist on it spiced things up (no pun intended) a bit. It's just that there was a part of us thinking "Who lets a reality television show film a segment at their wedding?" Answer? People who want all-expenses-paid honeymoons. Fine, but it was really weird how they had a judging table set up smack in the middle of the reception.

Although come to think of it. a lot of wedding receptions that we've had to slog through sure would have been a lot more fun if there'd been a judging table.

"Stylists, I don't know what the bloody fuck Sari Barbie here is saying, but I'm here so I can finally work through my long-seething anger at getting eliminated during a stupid fucking wedding challenge three years ago. My issues, your hell. Should be fun."

Okay, for really-reals? If we had to pick one new cast member? We would so get behind Tabs here. She had more personality to her than every other cast member combined. No one could hold a candle to her. It was a joy to see. Like the old days with Nina Garcia, when she wasn't so concerned with her image and actually got pissed off at contestants. We would even put up with another season of Camila, Patron Saint of the Tongue-Tied if we could just have Tabs sitting in the judge's seat every week.



Okay, let's talk about the big Indian elephant in the room. We can't possibly offer informed opinions on any of the hairstyles, not really. To our very Western eyes, it looks like most of these looks were culturally appropriate, sometimes with a twist. But our Western eyes - especially our Western GAY eyes - can't help but look at big bejeweled ponytails and luxurious one-shouldered 'dos as over the top to a point wherever Priscilla Presley and drag queens intersect. So take all opinions with a huge grain of Americocentric salt.

Anyway, this looks good.


This doesn't look good.


This looks bad.


We're sorry, but it is HILARIOUS how pissed off she looks. She's got to spend the entire wedding with a big hair cake on her head.


Enh. We feel like she could have taken it further.


Brig needs to lay off a lot of things, as we all know, but she REALLY needs to lay off those side braids. It's not all that impressive a technique in the first place so stop breaking it out like you're proud of it.


Feel free to disagree, but Burning Man was helped out enormously by having a beautiful model. It's just a bit too much hair for us, but again, don't listen to us.


See? Like that. Did she REALLY need to bedazzle her head like that? Even if it is culturally appropriate, weren't there more artful and interesting ways to arrange that stuff? You know how when you give a kid a cookie to decorate and they basically dump every decoration available to them on one cookie until it looks like something a muppet threw up? That's what this looks like.

Again. HUGE grain of salt.

And now, Tabatha Coffey stars in an original Bravo production of "One Angry Judge."

Just look at her.

Magnificent. She's the Mount Rushmore off reality show judges. The Eiffel Tower of the bitchy comeback.

Please, Bravo. We're begging you. These cast members all SUCK. Even The Face of Vo is withering under all the lameness.

So Radical Faerie wins it, capping off quite a good week for him. To be honest, we never thought he had it in him, but both wins were well deserved.

And Adee goes home. Like he should have. You want to hear something crazy? We actually admired him a bit this episode. Look, objectively speaking, if what he said about cutting David Beckham's hair was true, then he's definitely a world-class stylist. He just clearly couldn't work under the conditions of a hair game show. To his enormous credit, after first getting a couple of tantrums out of his system, he calmed down a bit by this episode and realized it just wasn't working. There were no excuses and no sense of "These judges just don't get my brilliance." It was more of a "Look, this isn't working , so I'll pack my things if you don't mind."


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