The Tom & Lorenzo Archives: 2006 -2011

In or Out: Jennifer Aniston

"What, this old thing? I only put it on when I don't care how I look."

Jennifer Aniston attends the Gala Premiere of 'The Bounty Hunter' at Vue Leicester Square in London, England wearing a Valentino Fall 2009 Couture dress, Alexander McQueen tuxedo jacket, and Jimmy Choo “Lance” sandals.

Valentino Fall 2009 Couture Collection
Model: Gwen Loos

Dry humping on the red carpet! Now there's a new technique for selling your movie. We'd say "Get a room," but this is such an obvious display of marketing between two actors who have a movie to sell that it's almost a little insulting. Whenever you see these too-good-to-be-true actor pairups (especially when they're starring in the same movie) always remember: Hollywood is the town where Rock Hudson married his agent's secretary.

Now Jen, you've managed to get a lot of mileage out of being the spurned woman who's just looking for love. You should write a check to Angelina every month for giving your career a boost. But honey, you're starting to come off a little whacky, what with your tendency for publicly throwing yourself at every mildly famous man in your line of sight. Now, before we get to that "dress," we'll say this: congratulations on the body. You are one seriously well-maintained woman and that's no lie. We're getting a little sick of the hairstyle that you've had for going on-ten years, but that's a minor quibble.

Actually, no. That's not a minor quibble because it kind of sums up our issue with your whole personal style. Namely, that you've barely changed it in the last 15 years. We say "barely," because what changes you HAVE made, you've gone in the wrong direction. Your style has gotten far more revealing and self-consciously "sexy" the older you get. You're wearing less fabric and covering less of your body in your 40s than you did when you were in your 20s. It reeks a little of desperation, especially when paired with your aforementioned tendency to throw yourself at every male celebrity within ten feet of you.

We're not so rigid in our thinking about "age appropriate" clothing as people sometimes think. If you've got the legs, and you're long past your 35th birthday, show them off, we say. BUT. This is ALL you do anymore. This is your only look: a barely-there dress and maximum skin exposure. Like we said, kudos on your fabulously well-maintained body, but your eagerness to show it off at every opportunity is starting to come off a little classless. It's okay to wear a dress with straps or even sleeves every now and then. It's okay if the world goes one day without seeing your upper thighs.

We're just giving you a friendly warning. This look you've established for yourself has diminishing returns the older you get and you're only a couple of years away from the moment when everyone decides you look a little ridiculous. Besides, the problem with barely-there dresses is that they have no style to them at all. You might as well be wearing a sequined towel.

In case it wasn't obvious, you're OUT, honey.


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