The Tom & Lorenzo Archives: 2006 -2011

Shear Genius S3E6: Totally Radical

Baby, you're a star!

Hey! Here's a great idea! Let's take pretty girls with fantastic hair...


The hell? Were they drunk at Shear Genius Central that week?

Man, is her "April the Anarchist Hairdresser" schtick getting old or what? She spends more time railing against the man than cutting hair.

And look, we salute the art of hair styling. Really. We wouldn't be watching the show if we didn't think there's a level of artistry involved to the profession, but let's not act like you're out lobbing Molotov cocktails at the foundations of society, honey. You're cutting hair. You're not conquering Europe or starting a new religion or overthrowing the government. Dial it back a little, for God's sake. You're only impressing yourself.

"I think Matthew has a repertoire and I think we're getting to the end of it. I can tell he's disappointed and I like it."

All right, we admit it. She's keeping things entertaining. Attention whore? Absolutely. Attention whore who goes around deflating the pretensions of everyone else on camera? Honey's that's just hard to say no to. We would be far more inclined to embrace her ways if she brought a little style to her attention-whoring because it's awfully hard to root for someone who looks like a badly drawn cartoon character.

"StEYElus, toodAAYYY, yoor clans have WUN thing in COMmon. Thar all WURking ACrisses. An fer WUNce, we don meen hOOkers!"

Look #1 - "Gil Next Door"

Look # 2 - "Fashionable Secretary"

Cute. Solid work.

Look #1 - "Hot Geek"

Look # 2 - "Naughty Villain"

The first look is more outpatient than geek and the second look is bland.

Look #1 - "California Blonde"

Look # 2 - "Sexy Vixen"

Running the gamut from A to halfway between A and B.

Look #1 - "Lingerie Model"

Look # 2 - "Rocker Chic"

Passably good. Nothing to write home about.

Look #1 - "Action Hero"

Look # 2 - "Special Agent"

It looks like the same picture with two badly photoshopped hairdos slapped on it. It's like she and her hair aren't occupying the same space.

Look #1 - "TV Host"

Look # 2 - "Rocker Chic"

Can't deny, they're both perfect. So much so that it inspired formerly Asian television hosts to spew out something they eagerly jotted down in their dressing room in a strained attempt to be witty:

"A picture is worth a thousand words but the hair should be speechless."

Shut the fuck up. That makes no fucking sense. Hair is ALWAYS "speechless," jackass.

You look like the Joker.

"I think this is just mediocrity and why do you think we all get so pissed off up here? You gotta really step up to the plate. Because remember, one at a time, you're all going home."

Shut the fuck up. You're an aging douchebag and you've ruined this show.

We weep for the days of Jaclyn Smith and power lesbians. When this show really MEANT something, kittens!

Matthew and Janine annoy everyone on a molecular level when it is announced that they are in the top two again.

Tweety is pissed, but the good news is this "Toni Tennille on a bender" look really works for her.

Matthew rightfully wins. Tweety mentally vomits.

Radical Faerie and Radical Hairdresser are in the bottom two.

They keep the cute guy because Bravo knows its audience and the increasingly defensive April gets shown the door.

"It's unfortunate that I wasn't able to get my hands on something to represent what I do."

We're sorry, did you not have your hands on heads of hair this whole time? It's not like they asked you to cook.


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