The Tom & Lorenzo Archives: 2006 -2011

Shear Genius S3E7: The Whitest Bunch of Bitches You Ever Saw

Forget about the carpet. The drapes don't even match each other.

We thought it would have been kind of funny if the stylists all burst into tears at the sight of black girls the way they burst into tears at the sight of military wives.

She was one TOUGH judge. We don't live in that world so we never heard of her but the stylists all seemed to be in awe of her. She made precise, on point critiques and had high standards to meet.

Hit it!


It was a bit much, although we could see why the girl liked it. The lady judge seemed annoyed that Brig basically covered up all of her natural hair and styled extensions and hair pieces instead.


What a spectacular fall from grace. If her prom was in 1982, she would have been thrilled with this do.


A really pretty, sophisticated and unique style. She showed she had the technical skill to work with African-American hair and she had the talent to envision and execute something eye-catching.


This poor wigstand has clearly been restrained from looking in a mirror and has only had her hairstyle described to her. Hence, the wholly unrealistic and inappropriate joy on her face.


And holy shit, Burning Man comes out of nowhere with virtuoso Dreamgirls hair! Who saw THAT coming? We were just happy that he avoided breaking out his "indigenous peoples" schtick, but then he comes up with this KILLER 'do like it was nothing! Lady judge was impressed.

Anyway, lady judge gave into her obvious dislike of Brig and named her the loser. Burning Man and Janine are in the top two, and Tap Pants takes the win, annoying everyone.

Later, back at the Hair Cave, things get really weird.

Attention whoring is a communicable disease, kittens. Use protection.

Next challenge, red carpet hair, with your host:

The Gaysian Joker.

There is always that fine line that separates the plastic surgery victim from the Batman villain and Votox here has finally stepped over it.



It's alright. All we could think of was this:

Although it's not like we need an excuse to post that. Anyway, it's just too much hair and none of it matches.


We certainly get what he was going for. It's nothing else if not a pretty accurate Edie Sedgwick look. We understood his frustration with the judges' dismissal of it, but we do tend to think he didn't take into account whether this look was the right one for this girl.


Enh. It's too literal and to be honest, it could have used some modern interpreting. It's borderline jokey and tacky. Not so much Mahogany as it is Love Boat.

Of course, what did Votox, the tacky gay think of it?

"This look is hotter than a gay bar on fire!"

You shut the fuck up.

What an insipid thing to say. As if gay bars burn at a higher temperature than other buildings.

You have Hermie hair.

We hate you.


This is like that hairstyle they gave Angelina Jolie in that movie where she played a biracial woman. Which is fine because we don't think there were many scenes of her character on the red carpet. On an actual red carpet however, this comes off as a particularly poor effort.


The judges inexplicably loved this one and we don't see it. It's both too literal and too low-key to our eyes.

Tap Pants wins again and her smugness consumes a galaxy, killing billions of life forms.

Burning Man and Tweety are in the bottom two. They've upped the stakes considerably this week by amputating the arms of the lowest scoring stylists just below the elbow.

Burning Man gets the boot and we feel sad. He really grew on us. Like a curly-haired fungus.

Still, we can't complain too much because Tweety may be one crazy attention-whoring bitch, but her game plan, which can be summed up as "I'm just here to annoy Janine and Matthew because they annoy the shit out of me" sure does make the show more entertaining.


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