The Tom & Lorenzo Archives: 2006 -2011

Shear Genius S3E8: No Weird Chicks on the Prom Committee

Hair drama, bitches! HAIR DRAMA!


Kittens, we can't. She's so jaw-droppingly bad every time she opens her mouth that we just can't even talk about it anymore. We just pretend it's performance art of some kind.

They look like the hosts of a Saturday morning children's show in 1986.

Okay, we realize that we've named everyone from Joan Collins to random strangers on the street to sit on the judging panel in replacement of ANY of the judging panel, but for really-reals. Why isn't she playing the Nina Garcia role on this show? Why isn't Allure better represented? She's very telegenic and she gives fairly on-point critiques; she's fabulous and attractive, and she even gets in the occasional bitchy line. This is a no-brainer.

When you think about it, with Vo AND Antin on the judging panel, you have the technical side over-represented, not to mention the camera-hogging side. It would be like having Michael Kors AND Isaac Mizrahi on Project Runway every week. Jesus. Could you imagine THAT little imperial court of bitchiness?

And now, since a picture is worth a thousand words, here's two thousand words from Tweety and Tap Pants about what they think of each other:


We stand by our initial assessment of Brig in that she's the most shameless attention whore we've ever seen before and we would probably have to kill ourselves if we were stuck in an elevator with her, but god bless her for being entertaining and deflating some of the pretensions of the crowd. When you get right down to it, Brig's right: the Wonder Twins are becoming insufferable, Janine especially.

Anyway, the shortcut challenge was Tourette's-inspired and here are the results:
Crimping Iron!
Mullet!
Rainbow!
Motherfucker!


Not that we think this is any great shakes or anything, but we thought the judges' point that this was too vertical was a big load of bullshit. There's nothing about a mullet that precludes you from doing something big up top. "Business in the front, party in the back" is just a catchphrase and they knew it.

Flat Iron!
Braids!
Ocean!
Fat Bitch!


It's not bad. We agree that the front braid was a bit clumsy. If it had been a much finer braid, maybe a third as thick, it might have worked.


Curling iron!
Bangs!
Disco Ball!
Pissfuckshit!


This looked kind of ridiculous to our eyes, so of course it won.

Sponge rollers!
Finger waves!
Paris!
Cockface!

This wigstand was PISSED that Tweety cut all her hair off. Not to defend wigstands who come on the show and then don't want their hair cut, but we can understand being pissed if all you got out of it was this mediocre Supercuts 'do.

In order to make her case to the judges that Brig is unprofessional, Tap Pants goes on a tirade, dropping "bullshit" and "fuck" into the conversation to demonstrate what true professionalism is all about.

Honestly, we're over it. We can understand letting someone like Tweety drive you to distraction but this passed that a while ago and now it's all Kool Kidz Klub and gross.

Elimination challenge: Update an iconic hairstyle from the movies for a photo shoot. Results:

Jon

At first we thought this was a bit literal, but with some adjustments on set, he came up with something that was pretty and felt modern.

Matthew

To be fair, there was really only one direction Matthew could go in and this was it. It's not a particularly impressive 'do, which is fine, but he kept acting like he invented water.

Janine

We both hated the loopy Lord of the Rings 'do she brought on set with her. After some MAJOR tweaking, she and the photographer came up with this. Lorenzo hates it and thinks it's basic. Tom thinks it looks pretty and editorial.

Brig

We thought she was on the right track when she walked the model on to the set, but that poof in the back apparently wasn't doing what she wanted it to and she saved herself by dumping a bottle of water on her model's head. Frankly, we thought it was a bit of a cheat and all it did was make it look literal instead of the modern update it was supposed to be.

How great would it be if the designers on Project Runway could throw water on their models at the last second to save a shitty dress? You could do it up and make the models have to navigate the runway while the designers sit on the sidelines with buckets and hoses. Maybe some flaming hoops. Season 8. We're telling you.

Unfortunately, the judges didn't run through their lines or write them on their hands because last night's judging panel was 100% producer-run and none of the judges made any sense. They wanted an outcome and they were going to get it, no matter what the participants offered up for judgment.

Matthew offered up the most basic style one could image, and Janine's entry had to be radically redone onset to look decent, so OF COURSE they're in the top two! They BELONG there!

And the most mediocre look of the night wins. Of course.

We can understand Brig being in the bottom. The judges admitted they liked the picture but they rightfully pointed out that she lucked into a good model and a last-minute save that essentially ruined the hairstyle she came up with.

But Jon? They had NOTHING but praise for his entry. It was all "I'm sorry, Jon. Your hair was beautiful but you're in the bottom two." At least we think that's what she said.

It was an "Uli move." Season 3 of Project Runway? Down to the final four and producer and fan favorite Michael Knight chokes with an auf-worthy dress while the inconsistent Uli suddenly pulls a win out of her ass? Solution? EVERYBODY'S A FINALIST!!!!

They were going to have Brig in the finals with Janine come hell or high water. Jon has been inconsistent and it wasn't too much to expect that he'd fail to pull it together for the penultimate challenge. The judges tried to make it about his conduct on set but that's especially rich and delicious coming form Jonathan Antin, who we're SURE is nothing but a total darling in every professional situation.

No, it was a horseshit excuse to put him in the bottom and add a little tension. Once he put that Audrey 'do together, it was all but assured there would be a final four. All Brig had to do was not set her client's hair on fire and she was in.

And a little "haha" to Tap Pants because Brig showed an awful lot of class up there saying she was the one that should go home.

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