The Tom & Lorenzo Archives: 2006 -2011

Met Gala 2010 - Part 1

It's fashion's prom night, darlings! Air kisses all around!

Yes, last night was the Costume Institute Gala Benefit to celebrate the opening of the "American Woman: Fashioning a National Identity" exhibition at The Metropolitan Museum. Every bitch in a gown was out in force last night vying for attention in front of the cameras. We have a LOT of dresses to discuss, so let's get cracking.

Anne Hathaway in Valentino Pre-Fall 2010

It's pretty. It's safe. It's pretty safe.

Blake Lively in Marchesa Fall 2010

It's too short and she looks like something you'd use to clean a toilet.

Carey Mulligan in Miu Miu

Maybe it's the angle, maybe it's the lighting, but whatever it is, those tights are not doing her legs any favors. The dress is cute, but we tend to think this is a gown-only kind of event. And we get that whole clean, Mia Farrow-esque look she's doing, but she just looks so plain. Come on, honey. Put a little jewelry on. Pick a shoe that isn't the same color as your tights. Go crazy. You're young, thin, and rich. If not now, when?

Chloe Sevigny in Proenza Schouler

Like so. We figure if you're going to wear something cocktail length you might as well make it as cracktastic as possible. We kinda love this look just for being so whackadoo.

Diane Kruger in Calvin Klein

Absolutely breathtaking. There's a right way and a wrong way to do minimal. The wrong way leaves you looking boring and the right way leaves you looking, well, breathtaking.

Gwen Stefani in L.A.M.B.

Enh. It's got some interest, we'll give it that. She sort of looks like her boobs are covered in cobwebs and we're pretty sure that's not a look that most women covet.

Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad Spring 2010 Couture

She looks gorgeous. We were all set to make some bitchy comment about playing it safe and princess fantasies but dammit, she looks gorgeous.

Kristen Stewart in Chanel Spring 2008 Couture

She looks totally comfortable and at ease with herself.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! NO SHE DOESN'T! Why on earth would a girl who clearly hates to wear dresses wear a dress that, above all else, requires high levels of confidence and poise to pull off? Not that we love the dress all that much, although we do think it looked better with the sleeves.

Marion Cotillard in Christian Dior

Absolutely beautiful. And it's doing some pretty amazing things to her figure. We had no idea she was so voluptuous.

Melania Trump in Christian Siriano

Go, Princess Puffysleeves. This is without a doubt his best red carpet look yet. It helps to have a wearer who knows how to work the shit out of something.

Renee Zellweger in Carolina Herrera

Oh look, everyone. It's Renee in a skin-tight Herrera. That's something you don't see everyday. Just every other day.

Did she cut her hair herself? With safety scissors?

Sarah Jessica Parker in Halston Heritage

Like a lot of the gowns she wears, it's too long on her. We passed her once on the street and she is ridiculously tiny, so it's a little understandable. But come on, honey. You work for Halston now. You couldn't wrangle an alteration out of them? Still we kinda like the disco fabulousness of it.

And we do try to avoid being too dogmatic about age-appropriateness, but we have to put our feet down. You can only be over 35 and get away with a gigantic flower(y thing) in your hair if you're Billie Holliday. There. We said it.

Tina Fey in YSL

Obviously, no gay man came within 200 yards of her in the previous 24 hours. Otherwise, he would have talked her out of....well, everything. The too-casual hair, the Elvira makeup, the tacky Canal Street-looking purse, and of course, that "Clean your windshield, sir?" eyesore of a jumpsuit. Let's just put aside that she's wearing a jumpsuit at a formal event. Can we please address the fit here? We have no idea why she's bothering with a clutch, since she could obviously fit her cell phone, makeup and spare tampon in her little kangaroo crotch pouch (along with her keys, her valet stub, a couple snacks if she gets hungry, and a spare pair of shoes).

Seriously, how does someone stand in front of a full-length mirror wearing this and think, "I'm ready to go?" How does someone who is not blind or crazy leave the house wearing this? Tina, what is WRONG with you?

Vera Farmiga in Sophie Theallet

If it was 1978 and these were the Country Music Awards and she was Loretta Lynn, we would applaud this outfit. Since none of these criteria were met, we're left a little puzzled. She should have gone whole hog and worn a hat with a huge brim and ribbons trailing down the back.

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