The Tom & Lorenzo Archives: 2006 -2011

The A-List E6: Staged Scenes from a Short-Lived Marriage

"Haunting." ~ Webster's Dictionary
"Stays with you for days!" ~ Imaginary Person

Darlings, in last night's thrilling chapter of A-Holes of New York, Douglas Sirk himself floated down from heaven and told all the queens to stop being so embarrassingly melodramatic before vanishing in a puff of glitter and a trill of harp strings, arm in arm with Lana Turner and Jane Wyman. Or at least that's what happened when we zoned out from the vapidity and fell asleep for a couple minutes. Here's what we remember:

Reichen meets with the inexplicably massive production team for his new jewelry line and they all pinch themselves with glee over the upcoming model search to be held at Splash. Reichen says Rodiney wants to be one of the judges on the panel and everyone in the room laughs really hard at that. Red-faced, Reichen suggests he should be the MC, assuring everyone that his English is flawless, so long as he's dressed like a Hanna Barbera character.

Ryan and TJ survey the empty salon once again and sigh. Tumbleweed drifts softly by. Some model friend friend of theirs arrives so they can blahblahblah some hair extension campaign. What's more important is that TJ hasn't filled Ryan in on the Austin vs. Derek bout on Fire Island. Both of them adjust their bustles and huff at how unseemly it is for Austin to show his naked parts on Fire Island, where such activity is frowned upon by the local Ladies Auxiliary.

Rodiney meets with another photographer for another day of ab-flexing and oil-downs. He honks at the camera, "I got this job by myself and Reichen didn't help. This make me very proud." Rodiney's still at the developmental stage where he requires applause in order to poop.

Reichen and Derek meet at Reichen's apartment to discuss the upcoming model contest since Derek will be a judge, along with Mike. Since "discussing a model contest" takes all of about 15 seconds, no matter how vapid you are, the discussion moves quickly to "Derek Hates Austin" because that and "Reichen and Rodiney Are Having Troubles" are the only two topics any of these gum-smackers can expound upon for longer than a couple of minutes. Demonstrating the kind of sophisticated social skills one needs to be on the A-List, Reichen puts Austin on speakerphone without telling him that Derek is listening in and asks him to list all the ways he hates Derek. "Derek thinks his pussy doesn't stink," offers Austin, rising to the maturity level of the room. Derek nods his approval because he knows that it does not, in fact, stink. He flips open his Trapper Keeper, clicks his glitter pen, and writes, "NOTE TO SELF: Remember to not ever talk to Austin ever again." He puts a hologram Hello Kitty sticker next to it to make it more visually appealing.

Austin meets up with Philip Bloch, relentless famewhore "stylist to the stars." Philip does his best Tallulah Bankhead and drunkenly informs Austin, "The picture that you're painting for you isn't matching the picture that you're supposed to be painting for you." Or something. "Throw those paintbrushes away!" he says, throwing his arms wide and knocking over a tray of drinks. He holds his resume up to the camera and softly weeps.

Ryan decides to skip the latest meeting of the Daughters of the Revolution and spend some time probing Rodiney while shopping for a new blouse. "So," he says, dropping his eyelash curler back into his purse. "How are you? Anyone cheating on you?" He purses his lips and bats his freshly curled lashes while Rodiney starts wailing like Huckleberry Hound after a hit and run. Rodiney tells him through his tears that Reichen is sexting someone. "I can't look his eyes!" he wails to the empty store. "My goodness," Ryan tells us later, reclining on a tufted chaise in a caftan and a terrycloth headband, flipping through Vogue, "I only wanted to go shopping!" "I not gonna help him with his model contest" vows Rodiney. Haven't we all wanted to say that after a breakup?

Reichen and Mike meet in an empty gym and make awkward small talk until the assistant director tells them to get to the point. Reichen tells his side of the Rodiney story, including the part that Rodiney left out: He texted the guy back, posing as Reichen, saying "LOL UR FAT. RODINEY IS THE BEST LUVR ;) !!!" Mike's been at the rodeo more than a couple of times, so he shrugs and says "Well, who are you strategically dating next?" Reichen, in a heavy sweater, even though this was shot in July, informs us, "I'm NOT thinking about my next relationship. I'm thinking about who to do next. I mean 'what!' What to do next."

Derek meets up with Roberto in a bar that actually has people in it. "I'm pretty into him," he informs, going onto list Roberto's finer qualities. "He's Bolivian and gorgeous." Not having a clue how to play it cool or what to do to not make a man run screaming from the table, Derek makes bedroom eyes and runs his tongue around the rim of the glass while peppering him with questions. After Derek asks him if he's making him nervous, Roberto sends up a flare: "It's not the kind of nervous where you have little butterflies in your stomach." Derek, obsessed with social standing but lacking any social skills whatsoever, takes this as a compliment. He plays with his nipples through his shirt.

Blahblah, model contest at Splash. Derek and Mike are judges and Peppermint the drag queen fills in for the absent Rodiney, to Derek's relief. TJ is also inexplicably a judge, but he confines his contributions to shrieking and clapping his hands, mostly. For some reason, he went to the event made up as a My Pretty Gay Pony. Derek is ecstatic that no one is talking to Austin. He smiles to himself as he draws a unicorn on his napkin and sips his cocktail through his plumpened lips. Austin informs us that all of the model wannabes are awful. He takes off his clothes. He furtively puts them back on when no one notices. A model gets picked and Reichen informs us of his happiness. Then he cheats on him.

Derek booked a Hudson River cruise with his mom and TJ and invited Roberto, because after one drunken hookup and two very awkward dates, the next logical step is to introduce him to your mother and your least attractive best friend. Because we live on Earth, we could tell that Roberto was never going to show. Derek unfortunately didn't have that benefit. Mom and TJ get him drunk. When the conversation reaches the inevitable "I'm a good person!" portion, TJ calmly whips out his phone and orders a rentboy for him, in full view of his mother.

Austin and Reichen take a trapeze class because it's almost like having sex with each other and besides, no one else would go with them. The topic of Rodiney comes up and you could have bowled us over with a feather. We NEVER even saw that coming. Reichen reveals the deep soul-searching he's been doing. "I kissed a guy. I feel bad about it, but whatever." Austin tells him that Rodiney kills kittens and pushes old ladies. Reichen perks up. "Hey," he says, a synapse slowly firing. "The reason I flirt with guys is because Rodiney is so awful!" They hug.

Reichen and Rodiney have a summit meeting that doesn't feel at all staged or arranged, as they sit on a couch and talk to the camera rather than each other. Rodiney starts it off by clearing his throat, looking straight into the camera and crying on cue. Reichen rolls his eyes and accuses Rodiney of being not sexy enough to prevent him from kissing and sexting random guys. Rodiney calls him a low down dirty dog. Reichen calls him fat. Rodiney calls him tsetse dick. Reichen spews an incredible string of bullshit and Rodiney triumphantly informs him that "I'm not going to hear this because this is bullshit!" You guys, Brazilians can't hear bullshit. That's so cool. Reichen accuses him of sleeping with Tom and suddenly things get very tense in T Lo's TV room. Honey, I swear.

Anyway, Rodiney honks that he's leaving and Reichen tries to cry, but only manages to flex.

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