The Tom & Lorenzo Archives: 2006 -2011

TFS: Iman on a RAMPAGE!

Look out! She's coming for YOU!

"...with a CAMEL on my BACK! I was in traction for WEEKS, but the pictures were STUNNING. And I remember I said to him, "Halston," I said, "If there's no suffering, how will we know it's beautiful?"

"Do you understand what we're trying to tell you, darling?"

"Yes.

...

No."

"I am TELLING you that there is no PASSION to this dress. No SUFFERING for BEAUTY. My God! I am giving you the BENEFIT of my YEARS of experience making things look BEAUTIFUL. You must BLEED for your dress as I BLED all over runways the world over! Do you SEE? Do you see what Iman is trying to TELL you?"

"Damn, I thought it was kind of pretty."

"Hmmph. Yes. 'Pretty,' she says. You should know that 'pretty' makes Iman SICK!

You! Tell Iman about your dress!"

"Oh god."

"No. Do not. Iman cannot handle your pathetic mewling and embarrassing excuses. Your dress is 'Mandee to the Rescue,' do you see that? Are you trying to turn Iman into a Maxxinista perhaps? IMAN DOES NOT WEAR DISCOUNT CLOTHING. The very idea is OFFENSIVE."


"You. Fashion editor woman. What are your thoughts?"

"My makeup is scary! RAAAAAH!!"

"You see? You have made this pathetic creature go MAD from your mediocrity. Iman has no use for you."

"Maybe we should move on. Calvin, why don't you tell us about your dress."

"Yes, I would love to hear the little man explain this to Iman."

"First, Calvin think, 'Work with PEOPLE? Here go hell come!"

"Hmmm. You make little sense, but Iman is intrigued by your misanthropy."

"Darling, is that why your dress looks like something from a telenovela?"

"Calvin makes beautiful dresses that turn into less beautiful dresses! You have to think about the customer!"

"Look at the little man bluster. IMAN has to think about the customer? Is that what you're saying little man?"

"Oh fuck."

"I --"

"As if IMAN was some sort of streetwalker, turning tricks in a Bangkok alleyway? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING? That IMAN is nothing but a common WHORE?"

"Or perhaps the mouthy little man is confused. Perhaps your English is not as good as IMAN'S. Yes? When you say "customer," you mean to say "beauty." Because IMAN does not 'think of the customer.' Customers are dirty little people who carry their own shopping bags. IMAN thinks of one thing only. BEAUTY."

"Raaaah."

"My customer wants beauty, alright? Calvin gives the customer beauty. But he also gives the option of wearing something less beautiful. That's what the customer --"

"LITTLE MAN. You speak to IMAN of "customers" as if IMAN was some sort of regional manager for a discount clothing store. That is not so."

"Every designer in the world BEGS IMAN to wear their clothes. IMAN does not purchase her dresses; IMAN stands and has dresses THROWN at her by COUTURIERS. "

"Now let me tell you what IMAN thinks of your little 'dress.' If a designer presented me with this thing, I would SLAP them! Then I would slap their ASSISTANT! Then I would RIP the dress off the hanger and SET IT ON FIRE. For this dress is so un-BEAUTIFUL that it is dangerous to IMAN's eyes! It must be destroyed immediately. And the designer must be punished severely for assuming that Iman would want to wear this urine-colored insult."

"But you are lucky, little man. Because IMAN likes how you hate most other people. IMAN shares that feeling with you. Most people lack the kind of beauty that IMAN needs for sustenance. It's very hard for us, isn't it, little man?"

"..."

"It is best that you not speak. Go. I see a grubby little thing that I want to send home before you. Consider yourself lucky, little man."

"Calvin is...grateful."

"Calvin should be. Calvin should also cover up his man-cleavage because IMAN has no desire to see that."

[Screencaps: tomandlorenzo.com]

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