The Tom & Lorenzo Archives: 2006 -2011

If We Were Her Gays: Christina Aguilera

We consider this a form of community service.


We can't wait for the fall shows to be over so we can start playing around in a new sandbox, but we couldn't wait any longer for this gal. She desperately needs our help. We have long decried her tendency to dress and style herself in a manner much, much older than her actual age. She's in her TWENTIES in all of the above photos. Her style can be summed up thusly: tight, dramatic, sexy and mostly black. With an occasional flowy gown. And the thing is, that style should work just fine for a performer like her. Her main claim to fame is as a pop star and she's always dressed in the high drama fashion that occupation tends to require. We don't want to try and pull a Professor Higgins here. We're not going to try and turn her into, say, Natalie Portman or Anne Hathaway. That's not her gig. But we think we've found a few pieces that would appeal to her while updating and youthening her look.


One thing that's notable about her dress style is that, while she goes for a sexy look, she's relatively modest in terms of skin exposure. Either the boobs or the legs, but never both. This fun and edgy Chanel should appeal to her drama needs but she'll probably be resistant to the A line of the dress.

We should mention that, as long as we're fantasizing, then we can bring in a team of gays for a skin, hair and makeup intervention to get her off the tan-in-a-can and bring her hair color several shades down from nuclear yellow.

Continuing with the black looks, this Lanvin is high impact, while still allowing her to look like the actress she's trying to turn herself into. A good photocall or premiere dress.

A girl cannot live on black alone, so we're throwing this bright, fun, and sophisticated Jil Sander on the pile. Sexy, youthful and picture-ready. Good for talk shows and day events

But an international pop superstar can't go around dressing respectably all the time. Sometimes a girl needs to get her funk on. This Marc Jacobs looks like Christina, but has a youth and sense of whimsy to it. We rarely recommend recreating a runway look, but we could so see her rocking that hat with teased-out hair.

And when a girl needs to straddle that line between respectable and edgy, she can always turn to Versace. We've got two picked out; this blue, which would really set off her eyes...

...and this red, which would really set off her boobs.

This satin-y, Studio 54-ready black number, also from Marc Jacobs, would look great on stage and it's got that Aguilera vibe to it.

But even Christina Aguilera needs a couple gowns in play, so we picked a range of them:

This Yves Saint Laurent is in a lot of ways typical for her, but it isn't too tight or too shiney. It's got a nice drapey feel up top and the whole dress has impact, which is what she goes for.

This Christian Dior is a little bit of a departure, but it's got the drama she goes for and we think the color would look amazing on her.

But there was one gown in the spring collections that really jumped out at us:

This MEGA high impact gown from Christian Siriano. Sure to turn every head around her, and the color would set off her eyes dramatically. An up 'do and chandelier earrings and it says "I'm a pop star-turned-ACTRESS. Now LOOK AT ME."


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